


Fear Ridden

by ShadowRealm



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Hurt Stiles, M/M, Nogitsune Trauma, Post-Nogitsune, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, allison argent mentions, please dont hate me, post 3b, sterek
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-06 19:47:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1870119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowRealm/pseuds/ShadowRealm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Stiles rid himself of the nogitsune, he can't help but feel everything is his fault.  Allison, Aiden, and many more innocent people are dead because of him; why should he get to live?  Although it wasn't him at all.  This was all the nogitsune's wrong-doing but the nogitsune was him and he was the nogitsune.  Maybe, just maybe, Stiles will be able to put his trust in someone and feel okay again but it won't be easy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Stiles sat in the back of Mr. Harris’s classroom slowly falling asleep.  Chemistry is one of Stiles’s worst subjects but maybe it was just the teacher… either way he always managed to maintain B in the class.  Even with Scott as his partner, his grade never dipped below a B- but Lydia Martin currently took the position of lab partner to one Stiles Stilinski for the new semester.  Stiles used to fancy Lydia but the obsession faded a while back when the two became close.  They turned into friends who cared about each other in a sweet way.  He once thought he had no chance with her but nowadays he might but Stiles didn’t want to be with her romantically anymore.  Their relationship was completely platonic and beautiful; he could tell her she was the prettiest of all and that he loved her and they both would know it was a friendly thing.

As Stiles’s eyes began to flutter shut, Lydia jabbed him in the ribs causing him to jolt awake without losing her focus on Harris’s lecture, “What?  What’d I miss?”  He asked in a raspy voice.

“Nothing yet but next time you fall in this class again as _my_ lab partner, you won’t wake up.  Go to bed early tonight and eat something filling in the morning, yeah?” She sounded irritated but underneath Stiles’s could tell she was just concerned and had a different way of showing it.

“Yeah.  Sorry, Lyds.”  He apologized but started to fall asleep again minutes later.  Lydia’s eyes shifted from the board for the first time since the beginning of class to make sure Stiles was staying awake.  She sighed at the sleeping boy but let him stay in his unconscious state after noticing the dark circles under his eyes.  Stiles looked as if he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in a week and was more pale than usual.  She made a mental note to ask him about how he is doing once class ended but if he was going to sleep, someone had to make notes for him.

Lydia took one and a third pages of notes throughout the entire lecture while simultaneously making sure their teacher didn’t see Stiles with his eyes closed.  She shook his shoulder to wake him as the rest of the teenagers gathered their things and left.  He mumbled awake and then thanked his friend for watching out for him.  The two grabbed their books and headed in opposite ways towards their separate lockers.  Stiles looked relieved it was the end of the day but Lydia had enough energy to learn more; Lydia always wanted to learn more so she did independent studies outside of school.  This made her smarter than the average high school girl with a GPA that stunned her teachers.  Even though she spent nights reading on her computer about next year’s courses, she still had plenty of time to spend with her friends.  Lydia knew when something was wrong with her friends even when they didn’t and she knew something was up with Stiles.  He kept falling asleep in class, his grades were dropping, he stopped making as many sarcastic remarks, his eyes no longer held happiness.

Lydia practically ran to her locker and shoved her school materials in her bag so she could rush over to Stiles before he left the school.  He was just unlocking his locker but she decided to allow him a few minutes to himself by waiting by his Jeep instead.  Lydia leaned against the old vehicle and tapped her fingers against the skin just below her short plaid skirt.  A few minutes passed making her grow impatient; she rolled her eyes and they coincidentally landed on Stiles walking to his car with his head down.  He stared as his feet putting one foot in front of the other until a pair of high heels came into the view.  Stiles’s eyes ran up her long legs and body until he finally saw her face; he forced his lips into a smile.

“Hey Lydia.  Thanks for letting me snooze through Harris’s babbling.” He muttered.

She nodded in response, “Of course; I also took notes.  I’m sure you’d like to copy them, yeah?  I could come over since I don’t have plans…” her voice trailed off.

Stiles searched for an answer while moving his head down to his shoes again, “I-uh, actually was going to get some more sleep at home.  I’m sure i’ll be fine without the notes but, um, thanks anyway.  Maybe i’ll grab them during lunch or something.  I’m just _really_ tired.  Sorry.”  He looked like he could pass out at any moment and certainly did not look good to drive but Lydia couldn’t stop him.  After all, he was just going home to go right to sleep anyway.  He should be alright, she thought silently.

“Right but, um, Stiles?” He looked up to meet her eyes, “Yeah, Lyds?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m peachy.”

“ _Stiles_.”

“I’m fine, Lydia; don’t worry.” And with that he kissed her forehead and brought her into an embrace to end the conversation.  Her hair smelled of vanilla and honey with a hint of something flowery.  After what felt like minutes but was only seconds, the two let go of each other.  They exchanged smiles and got into their separate vehicles to drive home.  Stiles pulled out of the parking lot and sped home in a record of 4 minutes flat.

Stiles’s father was the Sheriff of Beacon Hills and was always working.  The normal shift for the average man in 9am-5pm but the Sheriff was not the average man.  He worked whenever he could, leaving his house at 7am only to return sometime between 6-9pm.  Stiles often made a healthy dinner for the two of them.  Always as healthy as he could to keep his dad in the best shape possible.  After losing his mother, Stiles wanted to keep his dad breathing for as long as possible.  He couldn’t lose another parent; he just couldn’t.  So his dad would entertain Stiles by eating a veggie burger instead of the real meat if it meant his son could live worry free.  Stiles had about three hours roughly before his dad came home but two and a half hours if he planned on making dinner again.  He walked into his house and slowly stepped up the stairs and into his room where he plopped onto his bed.  Stiles let out a groan.

He was startled awake by his father shouting his name, “Stiles.  Hey, kiddo!  Wake up!”  Stiles attempted to mumble something back but his words slurred together and nothing sounded like sentences.  He just turned his head the other way and fluttered his eyes.  Sheriff tried again and again to wake his son from his slumber but the boy just jostled around in his bed every time.  Eventually, his father gave up and let Stiles sleep a little while longer.

~

_He heard an quick intake of breath as he saw the sword pierce through Argent’s stomach.  She looked into the oni’s face with shock and pain.  Stiles could see it all happen although he wasn’t there, the nogitsune was.  He could feel himself smiles but it wasn’t him, it was the nogitsune.  He felt victorious but it wasn’t his feelings, it was the nogitsune's.  But the nogitsune was Stiles and Stiles was the nogitsune.  He heard Lydia scream her friend’s name and felt saddened but still a smile spread across his sickly face.  He felt like a monster; he is a monster._

__

_As Allison took her last breath, Stiles felt a sense of accomplishment.  He had hurt everyone and caused chaos among them all.  He didn’t want to feel this way but that didn’t stop him.  He felt fugue but still knew that it was himself and he dreaded it._

__

_Dead faces haunted him._

~

Stiles woke with tears dried on his face.  Every night it got worse and worse, he felt sad and empty.  He couldn’t help but feel everything was his fault; Allison’s death, Aiden’s death, all those innocent lives, not to mention Kira’s fucked-up relationship with her family, and anything else.  If he wouldn’t have been alive, maybe dozens of people would still be alive.  Maybe Beacon Hills wouldn’t be so broken if he wasn’t there to break it.

Stiles choked on a sob as he held himself together.  He deserved to be punished, deserved to be hurt, deserved to die, he thought in his messy mind.  Stiles stayed in that state of shame and depression for fifteen minutes before wondering what time it was; he checked his phone.  The brightness startled him as his eyes adjusted he made out the time.  6:49pm.  Shit, he thought and he rushed downstairs to start frying something up for his dad before he came home but as he reached the living room, he noticed the TV on.  Stiles peered around the corner and saw his father asleep with a glass in one hand and the remote in the other.

Stiles snuck over to his dad and grabbed his glass before it had the chance of slipping out to crash in a million pieces on the ground.  He grabbed a whiff of the liquid inside as he headed out to the kitchen.  The scent was strong and reeked of Jack Daniel’s whiskey.  Of course his father had been drinking, that was Stiles’s fault too.  Ever since his mother, Claudia, died from her losing battle against frontotemporal dementia, the Sheriff drank his feelings away.  Sometimes, getting drunk made him sleepy and quiet with sorrow in his heart.  Other times, when he was drunk and really pissed off at the world, his dad would throw the empty bottle at Stiles and allow it to shatter against the wall.  The broken glass would pierce his son’s skin which would immediately make him apologize but the words held no meaning unless he was sober.

Stiles noticed the clock in the kitchen did not read anywhere 6 or 7pm but read 9:56pm instead.  He must have flipped the number in his partially sleeping state.  He couldn’t even take care of his father by cooking his a decent meal.  No wonder he drank; a fucked-up son and life, Stiles thought.  At least he was sleeping though; that was something rare nowadays.  A Stilinski get a good night’s sleep?  Yeah right.  Stiles left the kitchen and turned off the TV instead of cooking.  He threw a blanket over his sleeping father and stumbled up to his room.  He planned to continue to sleep until morning but he couldn’t fall back asleep.

Stiles thought about all he’s done to fuck things up in life, how much damage he has done to innocent people who deserved nothing but kindness.  Not him though, he deserved suffering.  He pulled a small grey box from underneath his bed and opened it.  Three shiny and two dull blades shined back at him; he smiled as a tear fell from his eye.  Stiles picked one of the sharper pieces from his set of five and felt the small weight between his thumb and index finger.  He just stared at it for a minute before bringing it down against his arm.  Boy, did it hurt like hell but hell he deserved after all of his sins.  Stiles cut again and again.

He silently sobbed as blood ran down his arm from the multiple new wounds.  Stiles knew he always cut deeper than he should but he felt that he deserved the pain that followed.  Stiles wasn’t painting on a fresh canvas, he was overlapping past drawings that his body already erased.  This was just one of the ways he inflicted pain unto himself.  Sometimes it would be punching concrete, scratching at his skin, Stiles even threw punches at himself.  Anything to punish himself;  why should he live happily when his friends are dead and gone because of him.  Stiles should be the one cold and dead from the Oni, not Allison, not Aiden, no anyone.  He was breaking down again as he softly hummed the lyrics of an Imagine Dragons song in a slower tempo than the original to himself; only Stiles could hear the lyrics in his head.

~

_I never said that I want this,_

__

_this burden came to me,_

__

_and it’s made it’s home inside._

__

_…_

__

_I get the feeling just because,_

__

_everything I touch isn’t dark enough,_

__

_that this problem lies in me._

__

_…_

__

_A monster, a monster,_

__

_i’ve turned into a monster,_

__

_a monster, a monster,_

__

_and it keeps getting stronger._

~

Stiles stopped and started shaking.  He felt control but then immediate regret for scarring his arm for life; he left to the bathroom to stop the bleeding.  None of his scars were dangerously close to his visible veins but they still heavily bleed.  Stiles turned on cold water from the sink and pushed his arm underneath the faucet.  Some of the blood had already dried making it cling to his skin so he had to rub it off while most of the blood fell with the water down the drain like any other liquid.  Stiles sighed but that didn’t help that he felt like absolute shit.

After he rubbed all the dried blood off his arm, Stiles held tissues on his arm to try to stop the bleeding.  It hurt to apply that much force but it sort of made him feel good inside; not that he would ever admit that to himself.  Stiles checked if his cuts had finally stopped oozing blood multiple times in the 6 minutes before they eventually did.  For a while, he thought they would never stop and he’d have to tell someone but who would he even tell?

If Stiles told his father, he’d have to see a therapist, go to the hospital to get his wounds properly bandaged, never be allowed out of the house, hourly check-ins, no privacy but worst of all, he’d have to tell his father _why_.  Why he had resorted to this and felt he couldn’t turn to his own father.  It would not only crush him but he might resort to heavier drinking which would only make things worse for the both of them.  Not an option.

If Stiles told Scott, his friend would worry about him, never leave his side, make him at the very least have Melissa look at him but worst of all, he’d have to see Scott look at him everyday now with different eyes.  He didn’t want his pity nor did he think Scott would give it.  After all, Stiles essentially murdered his first love.  How Scott could even _look_ at Stiles anymore… he had no idea.  Not an option.

If Stiles told Lydia, maybe she would understand but she would tell Scott or his father.  She would feel it was necessary even if he argued it wasn’t and damn, she is a persistent woman.  Although she’d be the best option, telling Lydia was a two for one deal even if he didn’t want it.  Not an option.

If Stiles told Ms. Morrell, she’d want to talk to him about it because she cared about the boy but she would be legally obligated to tell his father which changes but he was already trying to avoid that in the first place.  Not an option.

If Stiles told _anyone_ , he'd somehow get fucked over because someone would never see him the same again but right now he was managing.  He couldn’t deal with someone who would treat him with special care but Stiles wanted to spill his guts; he just didn’t want to deal with the consequences.  Not an option.

He worried so many times the nogitsune would tell someone about his secret to hurt him even more but luckily never did.  If the nogitsune was inside Stiles’s mind and had all his memories, then he most certainly saw many of him beginning in tears and ending in blood since he was a young boy.  The nogitsune would have seen the tops of his thighs littered with scars, hell, it probably saw every last one of them while using Stiles as a vessel.  But the nogitsune was killed by him and his friends so it was no longer a problem because two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.  That’s what that song sings anyway and Stiles hoped to god it was true.

Stiles wrapped his arm in an unwashed, bloody, cotton elastic bandage which he’d kept under his bed.  He never could wash it because his father would want an explanation for the blood and he didn’t have one.  The bandage was many skin tones darker than his but under a flannel, sweatshirt, or really anything with sleeves, you wouldn’t know since the color didn’t show.  Stiles knew this from experience.  Why else would he wear long sleeves in summer?  Undershirts during lacrosse?  He didn’t even own a short sleeved shirt anymore.  Since he wasn’t a girl, Stiles didn’t have to worry about his shorts being too short or riding up to show his thighs either.  His only had the problem of locker rooms for lacrosse and gym but he found it easiest to change the class before or wear the undershirts all day.  The Stilinski’s didn’t have enough money to go on vacation and when they did, it wasn’t to the beach; vacation was normally hiking or a road trip but nothing long.  The Sheriff had to work often, it came with the job title.

Stiles put on a long sleeved grey shirt and went back to bed; homework could be done in the morning or not at all.  He lost care in his grades a while back.  Stiles pulled his blanket over his head and curled in a loose ball like a child.  He closed his eyes and tried to dream about something positive for a change so he could wake up without wanting to scream and thrash.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia helps Stiles with his schoolwork and Stiles gets extremely depressed to the point of... well, at least Derek makes an appearance in this episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sad and reeeeeeeally depressing so please know that. Trigger warnings. I should have put that on the first chapter too so sorry there...

Stiles eyes fluttered open just to forcefully close them again with a groan and a heavy sigh after turning his incessantly ringing alarm off.  He wishes for once he could get a good night sleep and not have to worry about the nightmares.  He wishes when the nogitsune died, he wouldn’t have gotten all of it’s memories from when it was inside him.  He wishes he wouldn’t have to relive the deaths of his friends every night and then his own mind making up the aftermath.  Stiles didn’t want any of this, but what could he do?

He sat up, stretched his arms out and yawned but then Stiles groaned due to the pain he felt.  The stretch made his arm’s wounds break open a little.  The action caused them to ooze an orangish color underneath the bandage he still was wearing.  He thought he’d be used to this and know not to stretch mornings _after_ but it was automatic.  The rest of his body thanked him for waking them up.  Stiles moved his feet to the floor and sat on his bed with his elbows rested on thighs and his hands running through greasy hair.

After a minute of sitting in pure silence, which was quite relaxing in his opinion, Stiles left to get ready for the morning.  He looked in the mirror and saw his dark circles were lighter today due to all the sleep he got yesterday and last night.  At least Lydia would think he was feeling better if he looked better, he thought.  Stiles turned on the shower to a slightly warm temperature and stripped as the water got to the right setting.  He unwrapped his bandage with care and noticed how some of the cuts hadn’t even formed a scar which was _not_ a good sign.  Stiles sighed after looking himself over, the skinny body was littered in raised wounds in easily hidden places.  He hopped into the shower and washed himself with cheap soap that stung when he washed his recently wounded arm.

Stiles turned the shower off and grabbed a towel from a rack next to it.  He dried himself in the small, enclosed section of the bathroom and wrapped the towel around him.  Stiles would’ve took his hand and unfogged the mirror but he didn’t want to look at himself.  He combed his hair and ran product through it, brushed his teeth, applied neosporin and a cleaner bandage to his cuts, all the usual.  Stiles went back to his room and picked out his clothing.

After he looked decent, he ran down the stairs with his backpack and phone in hand.  He picked up a banana, his keys and yelled to his father, “School!”.  The Sheriff yelled something back but Stiles had already left for his precious jeep.  He climbed inside old machine, setting his bag in the passenger seat and headed for Beacon Hills’ only high school.  When he reached the god awful place, Stiles threw out the wolfed down the banana and met Scott at the bike rack.  Many times, he’d take Scott to school in his car but lately Scott would decline the offer.  He just doesn’t want to be with me more than necessary, Stiles thought.  They had been best friends but it just wasn’t the same anymore.  Things change when a dark japanese creature possesses your best friend and kills your first girlfriend while wearing his face, he guessed but they never talked about it.

“Hey, man.” Stiles greeted with a pat on Scott’s back but his friend just nodded and smiled as they walked into school.  The werewolf could smell the blood and sorrow on his friend but he knew what was happening.  It was nothing knew.  Scott just let it slide though, he tried to talk even remotely about it and that conversation didn’t end well.  Now it hurt for his to even talk to his best friend, _knowing_ he’d just talk lies; Scott didn’t need a werewolf sense to know that.  

“So how’s things with Kira?” Stiles tried to make conversation even though he knew it wasn’t his strong suit.  Anything for Scott; anything to attempt to get them back to normal would be nice.

“Things are alright, I guess.  She’s sweet and uh, innocent; not violent, I mean.  Not like Al…  She’s _refreshing_.” Scott couldn’t bring himself to say their dead friend’s name, not fully anyway.

“Are- are you happy with her?” Stiles was constantly reassuring himself and making sure Scott wasn’t feeling how he was.

“Yeah, I really am.  She’d love if we could all hang out sometime… if you want.” This is was improvement; attempts in rebuilding the relationship is a sure sign of improvement and healing, Stiles thought.  The human grinned with hope in his eyes, “Yeah, i’d like that.”

“Great, i’ll speak with her later and we can talk plans for three.  I gotta get to class but um, i’ll text you.”  The last statement sounded more like a question so Stiles replied with a nod and another pat on the back.  Scott faked a smile then ran off to his locker.  Stiles understood why he mentioned that Kira hung out with them, it made sense.  He didn’t want to be alone with Stiles; he wasn’t ready for that yet. Stiles didn’t seem to mind either.

Stiles went through the rest of the school day slightly happier, until 8th period with Lydia.  He was already sitting when she walked in with a slight bounce to her step.  She had let her natural waves down today that complimented her outfit of a light denim jacket over a red plaid dress.  Lydia always had guys’ jaws drop at the sight of her but Stiles just rolled his eyes in an “ _oh, lydia_ ” way as she smiled and winked at them.  She took her seat next to Stiles and smoothed her skirt.

“Turning heads _everyday_ , huh?” Stiles remarked.

“My goal is life.” She replied simply with a grin, “You look much better today, hun.”

Stiles felt a sense of accomplishment from deceiving Lydia, “Just needed a good night’s sleep is all!  So you mind coming over after school today so I can grab those notes?”

“Of course I don’t mind but i’ve got to stop at home before.  How’s four sound?”

Stiles nodded and marked his mental schedule for 4pm- studying with Lydia.  Harris smacked his hand on his desk to get the students’ attention; some jumped but it definitely had the desired effect.  They all watched him as he started his lecture but 5 minutes in, kids started to pull out their phones or doodle.  Lydia and Stiles payed attention though, Lydia even took notes on the subject.  No wonder she has a 4.0 GPA in his class, Stiles thought.  The male student rested his head in his palm with obvious boredom shown.  Harris mentioned something about inorganic chemistry and asked a question towards the classr; Lydia’s hand shot up fast but the teacher knew she had the answer and didn’t want her to answer it.

“Stiles?” Harris called on him because he could tell the boy was not paying attention.

“Hm-yeah Mr. Harris?”

“What’s your answer?”

“To what?” Stiles replied half-dumbfound.

“My question that I asked about- I don’t know… two seconds ago?”  Stiles still didn’t have an answer making the teacher sigh with over exaggeration.  “Lydia?” Stiles’s intelligent partner answered in a complete sentence with confidence.  It made Stiles feel like a _complete_ idiot.

Once the class was over, Stiles packed his things and rode home in his jeep.  He set his books upstairs then came back down to the main floor to eat something.

“Hey, Dad; you’re home early.”

“Yeah, I uh, called off today.”  Stiles could tell his father was still slightly hung over.

“Oh okay, Lydia will be here at four to help me with Chemistry class.”

“Good, that’s good Stiles.  You need to get that grade up; you could learn a lot from that Martin girl.  She’s most likely acing _every_ class.” His father’s last sentence was more muttered to himself but Stiles still heard it clearly.  It might as well have been “Why can’t you be more like _her_?”, Stiles thought.  The boy sighed and grabbed a leftover slice of pizza from the fridge.  He had 45 minutes until his friend showed up, so Stiles retreated back upstairs to his room.

As he chowed down on the pizza, Stiles opened his laptop and started playing Dungeons & Dragons at his desk.  The time flew by to Stiles as he battled his way in the game; he was so focused that he didn’t hear the doorbell that rang multiple times.  He _did_ notice when Lydia knocked on his door and said a few words.

Stiles took off his headphones and shut his laptop, “What?”

“I said, ‘Do you want to study or keep playing your online gaming community that battles mythical creatures… even though we already have enough of those right in town?’.” Lydia crossed her arms and gave him a stare with a pout.

“No no, I’m totally ready for you to catch me up on what i’ve been sleeping on.  Thanks, by the way.  I don’t know what i’d do without you.”

“Crash and burn... probably.” Lydia grinned playfully.

After Stiles’s friend caught him up, they completed the assigned homework for calculus and Latin 4.  Lydia checked her phone for the time; 5:58pm.  She knew she had to be home at 6:45pm for dinner but it was only an 8 minute drive home.  She decided to stay with Stiles until she had to go home because rarely was there time just for the two of them.  Lydia made that decision as soon as she left her house.  Once all the work was complete, she dropped her pencil and flopped down on Stiles’s bed with an exaggerated sigh.

“Stiles,” his head turned in her direction, “you’ve finished all of your work… lay with me.”

“Lyds, i’ve got to study this shit if I want to have a passing grade.”

“You do have a passing grade, Stiles, you’re smart.   _Please_?” she begged.

“Yeah alright.” and with that, Stiles pushed his books away and fell next to her.  They stayed still for a while and he almost fell asleep.  Lydia grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers; it felt of safety and comfort.  She smiled and repositioned herself on her side to look at him and Stiles mirrored her actions.

“Honey, I don’t know what you’re going through but I am always here.  You understand that?”

Stiles nodded, “Yeah but it’s just- it’s my problem and you shouldn’t have to carry it on your shoulders as well.  You understand that?”  Lydia sadly curled her lips into a smile.  

A tear ran down her flawless face, “Allison used to come to me so I really don’t have as much on my shoulders anymore…” more tears trickled down her face.  Lydia wiped them off as fast as they came.  She got up abruptly, “I’ve got to go.” she muttered and out the door she went.

~

_Look how much pain I caused her.  She should be worrying about which college she would eventually like to attend, not how she can continue without her best friend.  It’s all my fault.  I can’t believe I brought her to this; she hardly ever cries in front of others.  Lydia is probably bauling and so is Scott and Isaac and- now I am too.  I only cause pain and after I shout for help when I made the mess myself; I am pathetic._

~

Stiles needed something- he didn’t know what it was but he thought it was punishment.  So he did what he knows best, Stiles grabbed his razor and ran to the bath tub.  His cuts were different from most times though, normally it was for suffering but this time it was to end the suffering.  His muffled cries were from self-hatred and not the pain, it wasn’t even pain he felt, it was more numbness.  It scared him but he wanted this; Stiles wanted it all to be over.  He didn’t want to have to look his friends and family in the eyes and lie.  He didn’t want to see the pain in their eyes that _he_ caused.  Stiles just couldn’t take it.

That’s when he heard someone knocking from a distance, it was light and hard to even hear.   _Shit_ , Stiles thought.  He knew exactly what was going on; pack check-ups.  On a very unscheduled schedule, Derek came ‘round to make sure everyone was alright.  This started up after Stiles was possessed.  Derek always said that if he looked after his and Scott’s pack better, he would have noticed something was up and maybe prevented it.  That knocking was a warning that he’d be entering his room but Stiles thought Derek would have left after not seeing him to check the other houses’ to see if he’d be spending the night there.

Derek was a werewolf though and he could smell the blood.  The strong scent alerted him immediately and had him at the bathroom door and knocking in seconds, “Stiles?  Are you in there?  Are you _alright_?”

Stiles managed a small voice that said, “Yeah, i’m…” but it trailed off as he fell into an unconscious state.  Derek didn’t believe it for a second and tried to open the door but it was locked.  There was no way in hell the werewolf was waiting another second to see what was happening; he kicked the door in to see Stiles bleeding out in the white tub.

“No, no, no, no, NO!  Don’t you fucking _dare_!  Not after everything we’ve been through!”  Derek pulled Stiles into his arms and ran down the stairs with blood trailing behind.  He threw the bloody boy into his car and drove as fast as his Camaro would go.  Derek kept muttering threats that started with, “If you die…” but then made promises like, “We’re almost there.”

The hospital was only 2 minutes away at 120mph, Derek rushed through the doors holding Stiles a ‘knight in shining armor’ way.  He yelled for help and Melissa ran to him.

“Derek, what’s- Mitchell! Mitchell!” she screamed for the doctor as she ran with Derek into an empty room and found Stiles’s slow pulse.  The doctor ran into the room with wide eyes and took pushed the bed Melissa laid Stiles on.  Everything was happening too fast for Derek, he heard the doctor yell for a prepped surgery room and telling Melissa to stand down.

Ms. McCall ran into Derek’s arms and sobbed even though she only knew him slightly through the pack.  He held her tight like his life depended on the wailing woman.  They stayed like that for a few moments before Melissa collected herself and pulled her phone out to dial Sheriff Stilinski.

“John, you’ve got to get to the hospital _now_.  Stiles is here and-”

He cut her off, “What?  No, he’s in the living room with a friend and they were carrying on and-”

“ _John_.  He’s _here_.   _Now_.” her voice was breaking.  That’s all the man needed to know she was serious; he hung up and ran out the door.  Melissa looked back to Derek who was on the phone already with Scott and hung up to dial Lydia.  In between the calls, Melissa thanked him for hopefully saving Stiles.

All they could do is wait as friends and family rushed in, crying as they heard the news.

 **  
**“Whoever says they’ve been through Hell has never been through this.  Loving someone but then finding them alone, barely breathing, thinking they had no one.”, Derek thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not expect to have this done by now and and also please don't hate me! Next chapter... who knows but soon...


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They trust you, Melissa. It’s best if you let them know what’s happening. Now, go; do your job.”

Lydia was the last to rush into the hospital waiting room.  She ran into Scott’s arms and sobbed; he was all she had left anymore.  Jackson left, Allison died, and Stiles…  Derek was there too but they only became close recently whereas Scott had been there for her even when she was a bitchy barbie.  Scott wanted to stop her crying but his werewolf powers couldn’t do anything about emotional pain.  He secretly wished he could cry too but someone had to stay strong.  They clutched onto each other for a while longer before Scott had Lydia sit to the right of him with Kira on his left.  Scott’s girlfriend completely understood when the two held hands.

Scott watched Lydia as she kept her head down while wiping tears from her face with a tissue.  Her lips were moving and forming words but no sound came out.  Eventually she was muttering something that humans couldn’t hear but the werewolves could.

“It’s all my fault.  I left him alone; I told him i’d be there and then I ran out.  I made him feel like shit and then ran away from him like he was the problem.  I screamed and I knew something was up but I didn’t know who it was or what was happening and I was crying at home while he was- everyone I love leaves me and I just ca-”

Scott kneeled next to his sobbing friend and lifted her face so she could see him, “Hey, hey, hey, Lydia.  Look at me.  You don’t need my abilities to know what i’m about to tell you is true.  We _all_ should have been there and we weren’t.  It’s not _your_ fault; it’s all of ours’.  Please don’t blame yourself.  I can’t handle this all by myself, I need someone to be strong with me.  Can you- _will_ you be strong with me, for Stiles?”  Lydia nodded and then hugged Scott again, “Thank you.”  

The boy smiled and released her, he grabbed the tissue box from a table over.  Scott handed her the box, “Don’t want to smear your makeup.”  Lydia accepted the tissues and they both chuckled silently, ending in smiles but returned to silence seconds after.

The doctor, Mitchell, came out and asked Melissa to come with him.  Everyone tensed as they waited for them to return; Scott was too worried but Derek listened in on their conversation.

“Stiles might pull through but he has to wake up.  We won’t know anything more until he’s conscious but from what we can see, he’s been cutting since years ago.  He stopped but recently, it started up again.  We could tell all of that from the scarring.  I give him 72 hours to wake up because of all the blood he lost.  I also believe that he did attempt to kill himself due to the depth of the wounds.  His family are the only people who can see him now but I have put you as his head nurse.  Don’t make me regret that decision, Nancy can handle it if you can’t.” Mitchell told the truth, according to his steady heartbeat.

“Why are you telling _me_ this and not his _father_?”

“Because I want _you_ to tell him and his friends out there.”

“No, I- I can’t do that-”

“They trust you, Melissa.  It’s best if you let them know what’s happening.  Now, go; do your job.”

Derek thought the idea was smart but it couldn’t be easy for Ms. McCall.  He watched John lift his head to stare at the ceiling in what looked like a prayer.  He couldn’t imagine the pain he was going through, losing his wife and now maybe… maybe his son, too?  “Does this guy even have any family left other than him?  Maybe his lost sister is in South America too.”, Derek thought.

Melissa came around the corner and everyone’s heads drew towards her.  She told them everything Mitchell said in a much sweeter manner.  Everyone sighed in relief except for Derek and John who both heard the “if” very clearly.  Somehow in waiting for the doctor to give them news, the two older men talked and became closer.  Close enough for John to ask Derek questions about the supernatural in the town and get a better understanding of it since Stiles almost always left out the ugly parts.  They understood why Stiles would do such a thing to himself but they both agreed to make Stiles tell them anyway.  He needed to talk about it.

When Melissa told them all that only family could get in, the Sheriff had her help sneak Derek in so he could take away some of the pain.  The two sat on either ends of Stiles while Melissa watched the door to make sure Derek wouldn’t be caught.

~

“How fast can you make him wake up?” Mr. Stilinski asked without a breaking eye contact with Stiles’ face.  The question had been drawing on him for a while now.

“Honestly, I could wake him in minutes but-”

“ _Then do it_.”

“You heard the doctor, he thinks in 3 days, maybe, he’ll wake.  If Stiles were to get up now, it might cause confusion which may make things worse.” John nodded, “Plus, I might go into a small coma from taking all that pain.  How would you explain that to the doctor?”

“I’m sorry, Derek, I just really want to be able to tell him that I love him again; just in case.”  The man started breaking down in front of him, letting tears slide down his face.

“That’s what I- we all want.  He’ll be fine, I promise you he’ll be okay.  John, watch me.”  Derek started to take away the broken boy’s physical pain.  The werewolf’s veins blackened with the boy’s misery thus making Derek let out a groan but he continued.  The Sheriff watched in terror as his newfound friend almost screamed in pain from helping his son.  Derek stopped for a moment to look at Melissa, “Move that curtain thing so no one can see this.” and she did as she was told.  Then he turned to the father, “I want him awake just as badly as you do.  So please do exactly what I tell you okay, the last time I did this I didn’t wake for a few hours but that was because I was healing my basically dead werewolf sister.  Stiles is neither.  I should be fine but I will most likely howl in pain.  The doctors cannot hear that so I need you to take that pillow and keep it over my mouth; do _not_ let them hear my screams.” He looked towards Melissa again, “Before I get started, go to Scott and get Lydia out of here.  Her banshee senses will kick in and she’ll think I am dying.  If _she_ screams, I don’t know what the hospital will do.  They might make her leave and I know she doesn’t want that; it could even cause a fight.  That’s the last thing we need and-”

“Derek, you need to calm down.  I’m going to go tell Scott but you look like a ghost and I know you want to help but take a breather here.  Okay?” Melissa’s mother instincts automatically protected Derek as her son.  She was right though, he looked like Hell beat the life out of him.

“Yeah, thanks.” He slumped back in his chair as Stiles’s father moved to his side with his hand comforting his shoulder.  Derek smiled at the touch.

“Do you _feel_ the pain you take?”

“I do.” The Sheriff looked disappointed in the answer but he wasn’t going to lie to him anymore, “But I _want_ to do this.”  If the man wouldn’t have nodded in agreement, Derek would have pleaded and cried to allow him to take Stiles’s pain.

“Can I ask one more question?”

“ _That_ was a question, _sir_.”

“Don’t be smart with me right now, _son_.” The Sheriff did not look at all happy with Derek’s humor.

“Just trying to bring some light to the situation, sorry.  I’m not a very good conversationalist or one to speak about my feelings.” It was only now obvious to the man that Derek was trying very hard to not to be emotional and stay strong.

“Why do you want to do this?”

“Stiles is pack and my pack is my family but um,” Derek bowed his head to glare at his feet, “he’s more than that to me.  I refuse to lie to you anymore; this has gotten too far with you knowing too little but no one knows this.  Stiles doesn’t know either, so you can’t tell him and-”

“Derek, talk to me, _please_.  Don’t tip-toe around the subject; just tell me.”

“Okay, well you know how animals “mate” and claim their own mates?”

“I swear to god if you’ve been-”

“What?  No!  No I haven’t been… just let me finish.  Alright so, mates; animals have mates.  Well, so do werewolves.  We are technically animals.  I’ve known for a while now that Stiles is my mate but I don’t believe he knows nor feels the same so you can’t say anything.”

“So, you’re gay?” The Sheriff looked beyond confused.

“No.  I mean, I guess?  Not really though.  Wait, is that all you got from that?”

“No, I got the rest but I just didn’t take you to be… I mean Stiles told me before that he was unsure whether guys were his thing, but you?”

“Wait, Stiles is..”

“I don’t know much about it, really.  It was a weird conversation.  Just um, don’t do anything I wouldn’t approve of because I am the sheriff and technically he,” John pointed to Stiles, “is underage.  So no…”

“I didn’t plan on it.  Not unless he initiated it, of course.”

“Yeah, I mean that’s fair.”

“Okay but I want to wake our sleepy beauty up for any other conversations about that, alright?  I don’t care if it’s suspicious; I want him here and awake.”  Stiles’s dad nodded again and gave a worried look to Derek as he pulled a pillow close to the werewolf’s face.  “It’s alright.” And with that, Derek began to take more and more of Stiles’s pain.  John shoved the pillow over his mouth just as he began to cry out; his eyes turned blue and his eyebrows knitted together as the heavy feeling of death washed over him.

Stiles awoke just in time to see Derek for a whole second before he passed out.  He was too tired to scream his alpha’s name but he tried; all that came out was a shallow whisper.  His father let go of Derek and hurried to the boy’s side.

“What’s going on- is Derek- what’s happening?” Stiles did a quick once-over of the room to check for Scott or anyone else for that matter and realized where he was.  Then he remembered the events that conspired before he awoke.   _Oh, fuck_ , Stiles thought.

“Derek is- he’ll be alright; he promised he’ll be fine.” John looked back at Derek before turning to his son with slight anger but mostly sadness, “Don’t you _ever_ do that again.  You scared the hell out of everyone and we- I love you, you know that?  You know that, right?  I know I get upset and I yell and- but you know that I love you, right?” The man couldn’t stop the few tears that escaped.

“Dad, please don’t cry.  I can’t stand to see anyone else in pain because of me; please, please, don’t cry over me.  I know- I know you love me.” Stiles’s eyes started to water but restrained himself from crying too.  Until he saw his bandaged wrists, the crimson color of blood slightly soaked through the white bandages.  He turned his arms in against him so his father wouldn’t have to see what he already knew was true; he would have done _anything_ to save him from this.  He knows now though, so what can Stiles do?  He still doesn’t have to know _everything_ , Stiles thought.  They didn’t talk much about _why_ but it was enough.

Once Stiles wouldn’t say anymore, they discussed how Stiles could talk to someone who wouldn’t think he was crazy for mentioning werewolves, nogitsunes and the like.  It was settled after a phone call to Ms. Morell, that he could see her.  The Sheriff was happy with the decision and Stiles didn’t seem completely against the idea.

~

Once Scott returned with Lydia, the group in the waiting room started talking about how they all noticed and should have done something sooner.  That’s when Melissa smacked Scott on the head, “Hey!  What was that for?”

“You _knew_ what Stiles was going through and you did _nothing_?  Scott he has been with you since as long as you both can possibly remember!  What’s wrong with you?” Scott could tell he was in trouble by the way she held the angry stare but he just wanted to break down and hug his mom.

“I- I don’t know.  After what happened with Al- we just drifted and I thought he was taking it hard but I should have been there.  I shouldn't've ignored it because I wasn’t ready to see him but I-” Scott started to cry and his mother was there in a second to hug him.

“Sorry, honey, I guess I am taking this harder than I imagined too,”  She pulled away from the hug, “but you will apologise and be there for him, right?”

“Yeah, yeah.  Of course I will; we all will.”

~

“Dad, did you see that?”

“What?”

“I swear to god, Derek’s eyes just opened for like half a second.”

“Yeah, I’m here.” The werewolf croaked out.  He was still exhausted and did not look at all healthy; he looked like Hell froze over in spite of better words. “Get Scott.”  The Sheriff left in a hurry and pulled Scott into the room within seconds, “Scott, I need you to-” Before Derek finished his sentence, the younger wolf was taking pain from him.  Derek gained some color in his face and other aspects changed making him look visibly more healthy.

Scott took as much as he could handle without damaging his own health before skipping out to grab some food for Derek.  He was back within a couple minutes with a few protein bars and a water bottle; the still tired wolf devoured them all before he actually spoke longer than 4-word sentences.  Until then, everyone just stood around him, except for Stiles who was sitting, and watched in silence together.

“Thanks, Scott.”  The boy nodded.  “Now,” Derek got up with almost full strength back, “pardon my french, Sheriff but…” he smacked Stiles enough to hurt but not enough to leave a mark, “what the _fuck_ do you think you were doing, you asshole?”

“Glad to see you too, Sourwolf.” Stiles managed a smirk but it looked probably as fake as it felt.  Everyone knew it too, but the boy humored himself anyway.

“I’m serious.  What the _fuck_?”  The boy would’ve made another smart ass comment but Derek’s eyes showed red and his face looked extremely hurt.

Stiles turned to his father and Scott, “Would you guys grab some of my clothes from home or something?”  They nodded and left reluctantly.  After Stiles was sure they’d gone he asked, “Did- you were the one who found me, right?”

“Yeah.  I found you- in a small pool of your own blood.  Why?  Do you want to start there?”

“Would you stop grilling me for 2 seconds?”

“Sorry, I just can’t imagine this pack without you.  After all the heavy shit we’ve been through and you think you can- you’d leave us?  I thought things were better now that the nogitsune was gone; I thought you’d stopped,” Derek’s glare fell to Stiles’s wrist, “I thought you’d stopped after we found out last summer.  We thought we’d fixed you and I- we thought you’d stopped.”

“I’m sorry too because I never really stopped, I just got better at hiding it.  I should’ve gone to one of you guys; I should have put me trust in someone.  My dad and I talked, we decided I would go see Ms. Morrell.  So, um, don’t you worry your werewolf ass about it.”

“Stiles, I will worry.  I will constantly worry and I will be checking up on you more often.  You need to talk to me about these things as well, okay?  You have my number, use it.  I’ll be there for you.”  The worry in Derek’s eyes was sincere; his face showed emotion that Stiles wasn’t even aware was possible for such a “tough guy”.

**  
**The two would’ve stayed in the silent until a strawberry blonde haired girl popped her head in, “ _Stiles_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so tired from Independance Day. I probably spelled that wrong tbh. I had like 3 drafts for this one and I finally finished without completely hating it. Whatever. Next chapter most likely on the 8th at the latest.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I had to see you, honey.” Tears swelled in her eyes making Lydia bite her lip so they wouldn’t fall. Derek then noticed how wrecked she really was, even under her attempts to look like her world wasn’t crumbling around her. Lydia walked over to the side of Stiles’s bed that Derek wasn’t and held her friend’s hand with both of hers. She smiled sincerely. The touch made Stiles allow a few tears to escape; if the two weren’t next to him, Stiles would’ve sobbed. Look at all the pain i’m causing them, Stiles thought, why couldn’t Derek just let me bleed for my sins?

“Lydia?” Stiles saw her pale face appear between the curtain that had shielded him from the rest of the hospital.  Her eyes were pink and puffy but other than that, she looked generally okay considering her best friend was in the hospital after attempting suicide.  They just stared at each other with apologetic looks until Derek interrupted by asking what she was doing since only family was allowed to see Stiles right now.

“ _You’re_ not family, Derek.  I know they snuck you in but I didn’t need their help getting in myself and-” Lydia turned back to Stiles, “I had to see you, honey.”  Tears swelled in her eyes making Lydia bite her lip so they wouldn’t fall.  Derek then noticed how wrecked she really was, even under her attempts to look like her world wasn’t crumbling around her.  Lydia walked over to the side of Stiles’s bed that Derek wasn’t and held her friend’s hand with both of hers.  She smiled sincerely.  The touch made Stiles allow a few tears to escape; if the two weren’t next to him, Stiles would’ve sobbed.  Look at all the pain i’m causing them, Stiles thought, why couldn’t Derek just let me bleed for my sins?

“I would never allow that.  I will always save you, understand?” Derek said.  Stiles then realized he mumbled the words out loud instead of in his head.

“You weren’t uh- you weren’t supposed to hear that.”

“Yeah, I figured that.  I also figured you needed to hear what I had to say.”

Lydia looked like she was about to start sobbing and never stop.  She didn’t say anything after their small dialogue but she did get into the hospital bed with Stiles and sat with him.  At some point in the silence, Stiles laid his head on her shoulder and she ran one of her hands through his thick head of hair.  He could’ve fallen asleep if they didn’t start conversing soon after.

“I’m sorry, Stiles, I shouldn't've left today.  I should’ve stayed with you and made promises that it will never be your fault and that i’ll always be there for you.”

“Empty promises wouldn’t’ve helped.”

“Do you really think I don’t mean it?”

“Lydia, it _is_ my fault and you _can’t_ always be there for me.” Stiles moved his head onto her lap and let her continue to pet him.

“ _Oh, Stiles_.”

“I don’t want your pity.  Please, just don’t.”

Lydia scooched off the hospital bed and leaned in to plant a kiss on Stiles’s forehead.  She smiled softly before saying, “I’ll see you within 24 hours, I promise you that.  I’m going to head out before anyone with authority realizes I am here.”  Lydia was almost gone before she turned her head back to Stiles, “I- I love you, you- you idiot.”  Her eyes started to water again before his smile at the pathetic excuse for an insult evaporated them.  She ran out of the room and once she was gone, Derek could have sworn he heard her sobbing as she left.

“Derek?  Could you leave me alone for a few minutes?”

“Why would I do that?”

“To um, to get me some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups?  Pretty please?” Derek could tell Stiles wasn’t hungry but he smelled more like hurt, like he was hurting.  It wasn’t physical since the hospital medicine most likely took away the rest of the pain.  Stiles looked as if he’d just been told all his friends had been torn to pieces by rabid dogs even though that wasn’t possible since they could protect themselves.  This kid wouldn’t really benefit from any time alone; he could use a friend or at least someone who cared enough to constantly reassure him that everything would be alright even if it wasn’t.  Derek wanted to be that someone.  He wanted Stiles to put his trust in him and tell him everything so Derek could figure out how to make it all go away.  He thought when he found out a little ways back that Stiles was cutting, they had solved the problem by talking about how he felt.  Which Derek thought worked; Stiles told him that he’d felt like he didn’t have any control over anything.  Erica, Boyd, his mom- they all died and he couldn’t do anything.  When he self inflicted pain onto himself, he felt like he could finally control pain and death.  Stiles felt it wasn’t a big deal but Derek thought otherwise; the boy told him he’d stop and that it was all okay.  As it turns out, everything that he said to Derek that night they discussed his issue were just lies, half-truths, or as Stiles would say… empty promises.

“I’ll make Scott do it when he gets back, it shouldn’t be too long.”

~

The Sheriff and Scott are driving back from the Stilinski home where they grabbed some of Stiles’s belongings when finally John says something that breaks the silence that had been kept ever since they left the hospital, “Did you know that- that he was cutting?”  The father’s eyes water as he drives, the headlights of cars reflect in them.  He was never a man to cry after his wife’s death- unless it had something to do with his only son, Stiles.

“I had suspicions but I- I couldn’t prove them or anything.  I don’t know, I guess I hoped they weren’t true and ignored them a little.  Maybe this is partially my fault because I also thought he sort of deserved it?  I just- Al- shouldn’t of- and the nogitsune- it was wearing his face.  Like I couldn’t even look at him because, well, yeah.  I’m really, _really_ sorry, Mr. Stilinski.

“I should have been there when he needed me as he was for me.  I really fucked- I mean messed up.  No, wait.  Actually, I don’t.  I did mean that; I really _fucked_ up and I am so _fucking_ sorry and I don’t know what else to do but to be there for Stiles even though it’s too late.”  Scott looked like someone had run into him with a truck that he definitely saw coming but only realized it was actually there once it knocked him to the ground.  

“Hey, Scott.  Look at me, I am the Sheriff of this town and I couldn’t tell something this wrong was going on with my own son.  How do you think I feel?”

“Well maybe if you didn’t smell of alcohol all the time, Stiles might be a bit happier.  Could you work on that and I will work on being there for him?”

Sheriff Stilinski nodded and sped up to 70 mph even though it was only a 50 mph zone.  He just really wanted to get out of that car-- see his son again and end the awkward silence with Scott.  They drove a minute or so more until they reached the hospital.  The two didn’t speak again until they were walking into the hospital; even then, neither of them wanted to say anything.

“I’ll be better.” John muttered to Scott, making him smile slightly.

**FROM: Derek**

**Message: Sneak some Reese’s for Stiles.**

****  
  


Scott read the message and chuckled.  Of course Stiles would want his favorite candy at a time like this, Scott thought to himself.  He went over to the vending machine and payed for a pack of the chocolate and peanut butter candy duo.

~

Derek told Stiles he should try and get some rest since he made him wake.  Stiles really tried to go to sleep but was unsuccessful in his attempts so he laid there with his eyes closed to entertain Derek into thinking that he was.

“I know you are awake, Stiles.  Werewolf hearing, remember?”

“Right.  Sorry, I would go to sleep but I don’t really want to, y’know?  Like, I am already up and I don’t feel tired enough to go to sleep.”  It was a lie and Stiles knew it.  He just hoped Derek would let it slide though at the same time, he really hoped he didn’t.  Every bone in his body wanted to tell Derek everything-- it didn’t even have to be Derek, just _someone_.  Still, he couldn’t see the benefit of that; he decided he could wait until he saw Ms. Morrell.  Until Derek spoke up.

“Wrong; try again.”

“I’m waiting for my Reese’s.”  Stiles was just being a smart-ass now.

“Stop bullshitting me-- I’ve been through enough to have to deal with you lying to me right now.”

“I’m sorry.  I just-- I get these _nightmares_ when I sleep and I know it sounds little kid-ish but I really don’t want to have to face them.  I am tired and I just want to sleep without them.”

“Oh, shit, sorry but you do need to rest.  Especially if you are tired.  What if I stay right here beside you?  Would that help, like subconsciously would it make you feel safe?”  Derek looked desperate to keep his mate protected, even it had to be from Stiles’s own mind.

“I have honestly no idea.  I don’t think holding your hand is going to make a big difference though.  It’s just a hand, how will that make me feel safe?  I can hold my own hand.”  Derek got up from his chair and walked around to the other side of Stiles’s bed.  There was still the empty space where Lydia sat next to Stiles just 30 minutes ago;  Derek filled the position and wrapped his arms around the boy.  They turned on their sides and closed their eyes.

**  
**“Thank you, Sourwolf.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super short chapter and for being super late on this I promised it like a week ago but I am at the beach and my family wanted to spend time with me. Also I am moving on the 19th to Boston from Pennsylvania so I have no idea when the next chapter will be. Most likely on the 25th or something, we'll see. Also, leave comments if you like bc I can always use the feedback!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles hands slightly shook as he spoke, just enough to be noticeable. Why was he telling Derek any of this? Why couldn’t he just wait until Morrell?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS, there are a lot of monologues about feelings so I have been instructed to advise a... TISSUE ISSUE. Talk to you at the end! xx

Derek woke with his nose in the unusually long hair from Stiles’s head.  He smelled faintly of a clean, deep peppermint; Derek figured the last time the teenager showered was a couple days ago.  Somehow, that didn’t seem to bother him at all.  He could’ve stayed there for _hours_ , it felt really good to be able to protect someone instead of fearing someone could be dying due to his idiotic mistakes.  No wonder his wolf had picked Stiles to be his mate, it made him feel better about his past and his future.  There had always been optimism in Stiles until now.

The boy rolled over into Derek making their faces only inches away but Stiles still wasn’t awake yet.  Derek accidently held his breath as the other male moved so when he exhaled, he breathed right into Stiles’s face, making him flutter his eyes open.  It took him a moment before he realized he was in the hospital still but also that he Derek was laying with him.  They just stared at each other for a while, Stiles’s lips curled into a toothless smile.

Both of them would have been fine with lying there for forever but a man in a doctor’s uniform entered, “Sir?  You can’t be up there- wait, are you a family member?  I thought John Stilinski was the only person on the list… even so, we do have rules at this hospital.”

Derek slid off the bed and moved back around to sit on the chair on the other side, “Oh, sorry.  And to answer your question, John asked the nurse on duty and she said it would be alright if I came in even though I am not family.  Your patient and I are close; she knows that and allowed it.  Please don’t hassle her about it though, I will leave if I must but I would prefer to stay here with him.  Stiles?”  Derek looked over and Stiles’s jaw dropped half an inch.  He sounded so official but the mention of his name made Stiles nod along dumbly. “Like I said, John is alright with me being here; in fact, he should be back momentarily.  I believe he left to grab a few things from home.  This has been hard on us all as you can tell.

“Right well, I guess I can make an exception but please stay off the bed.  I will talk to Mr. Stilinski when he gets back.”  The doctor turned swiftly on his heels and exited as if he’d been embarrassed to ever had said anything at all.

“That was- wow, Derek.  You basically had him running away and you didn’t even have to bring out the claws.  Very impressive.”  Derek smiled at the what he assumed was a compliment.

There was awkward silence for a while as Derek worked up the courage to ask Stiles a question that’d been on his mind ever since the boy had woken and looked even more miserable than before.  He’d been avoiding it until it was just the two of them and Stiles felt healthier than he had been.  Now, was an opportunity Derek wasn’t sure he’d get again.  He repositioned himself in the chair and cleared his throat--

“Are you upset because I didn’t _let_ you die or because you _aren’t_ dead?”  Stiles looked up suddenly at Derek but dropped his gaze as soon as it lifted.

“I- I- I don’t know.  Maybe both?  I just-- either way I wanted peace and to _finally_ know that my friends are safe.  They wouldn’t need to worry about me coming after them in a middle of the night with intent to slaughter them.  Now, I won’t be able to have that serenity with eyes watching me 24/7 to make sure I don’t try and hang myself as soon as they turn their backs.”  Derek hung his head low again, “I just- I wanted peace, Derek, death seemed the only option and then I everyone could be safe.   _Everyone_.”  Stiles hands slightly shook as he spoke, just enough to be noticeable.  Why was he telling Derek any of this?  Why couldn’t he just wait until Morrell?

“There are other ways, Stiles.  There are so many other ways we could’ve helped you.  We could’ve-- we _would’ve_ found another solution but that’s okay; we’ve always played the hand that’s been dealt and we’ll do it now too.  I know Scott is the alpha now but I feel like the pack is like lacrosse in a sense… we are co-captains.  He doesn’t need me to run the pack but I still feel like I hold a responsibility and all.  I bet he feels the same way too so trust me when I say you are a part of this pack and we can’t lose you.  Not just because you are an essential part of the pack though, we also need you for _us_.”  Derek raised his head to regain eye contact again, his face sorrowful, “We care about you Stiles, all of us.  We’ve already lost Allison and I don’t think we can afford to lose another one of our friends, any of us.  It would break Lydia and if you’d die-- I mean I would go out of my fucking mind.  I’m not blaming you though, don’t think that I am doing that either…  I just want you to know how much you mean to us and how it’d kill us for anything _else_ to happen to you.  Stiles, we _need_ you.”  By the time Derek finished, Stiles had been staring at him as he almost let down his walls.

“I’m sorry.”  Stiles chuckled then found a way to lighten the feel of the room like he always does, “Don’t be such a sorrowwolf.”  Derek huffed.

~

In the waiting room, Kira held her own hand and waiting patiently.  She knew Stiles was her friend but she really wanted to get out of this hospital.  She heard sniffling followed by whimpering next to her coming from Lydia.  Crying had been usual in the past day, everyone was emotional over Stiles but Kira hadn’t cried for her friend.  She saw Lydia cry earlier but this time was different; Lydia was trying to hide her crying.  Kira slowly turned her head just enough to see the crying girl but that she wouldn’t notice.  Pity rushed over the kitsune.

“Hey, Lydia, are you alright?”

“Mhm.” was all she could reply without opening her mouth and letting out her cries.

“Right, d’you maybe want to get out of here?  We can grab some coffee instead of this hospital’s poor excuse for it.  We probably won’t be gone long.”

“Okay.”  Lydia’s voice was high pitched and on the verge of falling apart.

Kira scribbled a note on a magazine and left it for Scott to find, grabbed her keys and stood up.  She walked two chairs over to where Lydia was sitting.  Kira reached her hand out and Lydia accepted it and pulled herself up.  Kira wrapped her arm around Lydia’s shoulder pulling her into a side-hug; Lydia laid her head on her friend’s shoulder still holding her hand as they walked out together to grab some decent coffee and clear their minds.

~

Scott and the sheriff entered Stiles’s room quietly and pulled the curtain for privacy from all the doctors.  John smiled when he saw his son was still laying in bed safe and sound; Stiles returned the smile with his best acting he could.

“Guess what I got you?” Scott reached into his pocket and grabbed the orange plastic wrapped candy proceeded to throw it at Stiles.  Of course, Stiles caught it and with a real grin he said, “Awe sweet!  Thanks, bro, seriously.”  He unwrapped the treat and started to nibble on the first cup as they all watched him.  Stiles devoured the entire package in 2 minutes just by taking small bites; everyone was silent until he finished licking his fingers from the melted chocolate.

“Stiles, they need me back at the station… I talked to your doctor and they said your friends may come in as much as they want but no more than two people at a time--”

“Wait, Dad, how long am I going to be in here?”  The worry spread to everyone in the room.

“Well, not too long but they’ll discharge you when the doctor says it’s okay and I asked him that as well, he said maybe 5-10 days it depends.  That also means your friends have to go to school and can only see you when it’s visiting hours so they can’t be here forever and a day.  It’s 7 o’clock now so they want me at work so I can file paperwork for a few hours “before going home to a probably much needed sleep” as Parrish put it.  He said he’d do it but there’s just too much.  I’ll be back tomorrow and Melissa said she’ll take good care of you.  She also said since it is your first night here, someone can stay with you.  Please don’t abuse the privileges they are giving you.  Alright, I really have to go-- you’ll be okay, right?”  John rambled like a nervous, pleading innocent man on death row and he of all people knew what they looked like.

Stiles nodded and his father made his way out the door leaving his son with Derek and Scott.  More awkward silence filled the air as they all expected each other to say something but no one did; the three just kept their heads slightly angled down like they were praying for guidance but none of them believed in a god anymore.

“Derek, would you mind leaving Stiles and I just for a moment?” The look in Scott’s eyes helped Derek understand that it was important. He nodded and walked out casually since he was finally allowed to.  His leaving left the two distant best friends in one room alone.

As soon as Derek was in the waiting room again, Scott spoke up.  “I’m sorry, Stiles.”

“I know--”

 

“No, you don’t.  You _really_ don’t, just listen to me alright?  I should’ve been there for you; I mean we’ve been friends since forever and I let some creature cloud my mind.  Stiles, I wouldn’t even _look_ at you and we both know it wasn’t PTSD.  Okay because you’ve have PTSD from like 4 different things and this is different.  I just didn’t want to see you because I kept feeling pain but I feel worse now.  I shouldn’t’ve ignored you and I won’t anymore.  Mistakes were made on my part and not yours.  I want to- no, i’ve _got_ to protect everyone no matter who or what but I didn’t protect you.  It’s- it’s my fault.”  Scott let a couple tears slide down his face before he hid his head with his hands.  He walked over to Stiles and kneeled to him bowing his head and reaching his hands up to hold his best friend’s.

“Scott,” the werewolf’s head gradually lifted to the sound of his name to see Stiles’s eyes watering and pouring out tears, “stop… _please_.”

Derek then bolted through and rushed to Stiles’s side telling him it’s okay until he settled down.  “Scott, I am sorry but you aren’t helping him right now.  Go.”  Derek pointed towards the door without so much as a glance away from Stiles; Scott left with a questioning glare.

“Y’know I love Scott but I can’t stand him blaming himself.  It’s my fault-- I mean he didn’t put the fucking _razor_ in my hand.  It really is _my_ fault.” Stiles started tearing up again choking out his words, “I am just so afraid i’m going to wake up and it won’t be _me_ me but _nogitsune_ me like in my nightmares.  And- and I want everyone to be safe and sound and- and-”  All of a sudden, Stiles couldn’t breathe, a panic attack had crept it’s way up and now is in full force.

“Stiles, it’s okay.  Shit- Stiles, you’ve got to fucking breathe.  You’re fine and I have you.  It’s all going to be alri--”  That’s when Melissa ran in and took over; Derek was pushed to the side as Ms. McCall stabilized Stiles’s breathing.  It took a couple of minutes but it felt drug out to hours.

~

Kira drove in silence with Lydia until she heard small whimpers coming from the girl beside her, “Lydia.  It’s okay to cry, honestly.  Talk to me and maybe we’ll get through this better together.”  Lydia still wouldn’t freely cry granted she was louder than before.  She no longer wiped the tears from her face as she stared out the passenger window, resting her head on her fist.  Seeing Lydia like that made Kira want to never let any harm come to one of her new closest friends she had made since she moved to Beacon HIlls.  Worst of all, Lydia didn’t just look sad and depressed… she looked almost _catatonic_.

Once they finally parked outside of the town’s Starbucks, Lydia responded, “I know I can cry; Stiles told me that before.  He told me that he thinks I look _beautiful_ when I cry so I know it’s okay to cry but I don’t _want_ to.  I don’t want to keep crying over losing people I love; it’s just so much… Allison, Aiden, and now Stiles.  If he would’ve died, Kira, I just--” Lydia turned her head to the kitsune who was watching her lips form the words spewing from her mouth that was speaking her mind, “I would’ve killed _myself_.”  Lydia then started to lose her breath in her tears.  Kira pulled her into a tight embrace and let the banshee fall apart in attempted shouts that came out in near silent, heavy sobs.  Eventually she got her breathing under control and fewer tears swelled in her eyes, “I’ll- i’ll be alright.”  Even though she said them with such conviction, Lydia didn’t really look confident in her words.

“You’ll be alright.”  Kira repeated Lydia’s words which somewhat made them both believe them all the more.  

Lydia smiled and stated to wipe away her tears and fixing her make up slightly in her pocket mirror, “Thanks, Kira.  I think I need a friend now more than ever.”

  
Kira got out and moved around the car to open the car door for her friend.  Lydia didn’t look as if she’d just been crying which worried Kira.  How long has she been covering up her tears; before she was here for her… was anyone _ever_?  She put the thoughts aside and managed a grin, “Ready for that coffee?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUPER IMPORTANT QUESTION IN THE MIDDLE OF MY NOTES: Sorry, it was somewhat sorter than normal... I have been busy moving and all but I'm trying I promise. Maybe thinking of adding a few more characters... such as Malia, Peter, or maybe even Chris? Leave comments if you could; it would really help me out, p please! Thanks!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sheriff takes up a bottle again and Malia finds out where Stiles is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have added Malia officially and Peter and Cora were mentioned. Those two will most likely be in the next chapter more... Also, i've added a sad back story for Cora! You also can probably see that I added the relationship tag for Stiles and Malia but you should know that this is a Sterek fic not Stiles and Malia.

Sheriff Stilinski finally got home at 11pm and poured himself a glass of Jack Daniel’s old number 7.  He would’ve drunk it slowly and maybe had another glass but he was aiming for blackout drunk, not your average drunk.  Stiles had been admitted to the hospital 5 days ago and was being discharged tomorrow.  He would’ve prefered if they kept him longer but they said they only needed to keep him until it was safe enough for him to go home without coming back anytime soon.  In all honesty, John understood that but wasn’t quite ready to see his son on his own again.  He gulped down three glasses and gladly filled the cup again; he would have kept going if he wasn’t stopped by a knocking on the front door.

He swung the door open, “It’s almost midnight… go awa--” The sheriff noticed it wasn’t a neighbor or Scott but a beautiful young girl who looked seriously pissed off herself.

“Where’s Stiles?  I’ve been tapping on his window for the past few days and I still can’t seem to find him.” She didn’t seem to know about what had happened in the past week.

“Miss um--”

“Malia.  My name is Malia… remember?  You helped me return to my father?  Thanks for making me miserable, really.”

“Right.  Malaria, look--”

“Ma-li-a.  It’s Malia.  Have you been drinking?  I mean,” she huffed at him, “you sure smell like it…”  Malia’s tone was sassy and impatient which only ticked off John even more.

“So what?  I’ve had a glass or two but it’s not like it’s illegal!  I’m the goddamn sheriff!”  

“Whatever, it’s really none of my business as long as you can answer my question.  Do you know where Stiles is?”  Malia did not seem to have a sense of humanity in her to John.

“He’s probably at the hospital still since he’s not home yet.” The sheriff responded in a snarky remark.

“Right.  Sure.  I think I would know if he was in the hospital, _asshole_.” Her last words were muttered but still easily heard.  That was enough for John; he shoved her against the porch railing roughly.  She gripped the railing for support as he had her shirt pulling her closer to him.  His other hand was ready to punch Malia.  She didn’t look frightened in the slightest.

Malia swung her arm up and knocked Stiles’s father hard enough to cause him to take a few steps back.  She snarled, her eyes turning blue.  Malia pushed the sheriff into his house and slammed the door; he quickly scooted back into the wall.  She pulled out her phone and started talking with anger in her voice; he regained his strength as she argued with whomever she was talking to then he pulled himself up off the ground.  

John threw his glass at her as she started to walk out the door, “Don’t you dare walk away from me.  I don’t even know who you are!”

She whipped her head around revealing her were-coyote features, “My name is _Malia_.”  She pulled a glass shard from her head and growled.  If Scott hadn’t ran in then, she would have mauled the sheriff right there and then.  He closed the door and pulled her aside near a corner of the house.  “Scott?” Malia placed her forehead against his as John watched in utter confusion.

“It’s okay; it’s alright.  I’m glad you called… just calm down with me, okay?  Focus on my breathing and how my chest falls up and down.”  Scott overexaggerated his breathing to make it easier for Malia to concentrate on; it was sweet.

After a minute, Malia had settled down and Scott told her to go back to his house and to wait there until he returned; he assured to tell her what was happening.  She left leaving Scott with John again.  

The werewolf turned to the sheriff and sighed, “You said you weren’t going to drink for Stiles and yours’ sakes.  You told me you wouldn’t.”

“Heh, things change.”  John looked down towards the floor with disappointment.

“Look, I don’t know what just happened and I really don’t have time for this.  I’ve got to go talk to Malia.  Get some sleep, okay?”

“Yeah.”

~

Malia waited a quick 10 minutes before Scott crawled through his bedroom window; she stood up as he entered.  He looked relieved until he saw her and immediately tensed up again.

“Stiles’s dad said Stiles is in the hospital, is he?” Scott nodded.  “Okay, why is he in the hospital to begin with and why did no one tell me?”  She crossed her arms and although Malia looked deadly serious, she reeked of worry.

“Sit down,” Malia plopped down on his bed still crossing her arms but less tightly, ”I didn’t really think about calling you since I was sort of busy calling everyone else and I don’t know I guess I just forgot about you.  It was really intense.”

“Scott… _What_ was intense?”  She pulled one of her hand up to her mouth and started to bite her nails unknowingly.

“It’s Stiles, he uh- he tried to kill himself.”

“Wh- but-” Malia sighed, “Okay.  I can see that now.  He’s alright though?” Scott nodded as she sighed again, “Can you take me to him?”

“Visiting hours are over but first thing in the morning, okay but you have to get your weekend homework done.  It’s partly my responsibility to make sure you are worried about your education.  Sound good?”

“Yeah.  Is he well enough to help me with my homework like usual?”

“You can ask him if he’s up to it.  In the morning I mean, he’s getting discharged tomorrow afternoon so I would ask him to help you in the morning so he can deal with coming home in the afternoon.  We can check up on him though, if you want.”

“Okay, one more question.  This whole week at school you just forgot to mention this all to me?”

“Sorry, I just, maybe I was tied up in the mess and with school and everything… I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay, I guess.  You’re trying and doing the best you can.  I understand that.”  Malia got into the bed and pulled the blankets down.  She motioned for Scott to join her.

“You want to sleep here?”

“I normally sleep with Stiles as a comfort thing.  Just sleeping though, not… anyway, you said we could go first thing in the morning, right?  It’ll be easier for us to get there the fastest.”  Scott crawled in and she pulled him into her, “I’m _always_ the big spoon.”  Malia said proudly.

~

Stiles woke a half hour before 8 AM, Melissa was just bringing him his breakfast.  Today, he had Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal, an orange, and water.  It was nothing big but it helped give him energy and physical strength for the day.  Melissa sat with him as he ate although Stiles knew she had other work she really should have been doing.  She took away his tray when he finished and told him he had 10 minutes before visiting hours.  Stiles was really popular when it came to guests, someone was pretty much always there.  Derek and Lydia came the most but Scott definitely came around a lot too.  Derek and him had grown closer after Derek found Stiles in his bathroom that night.  He was always there like he had to protect Stiles.  They shared childhood stories a lot because all they could do was talk; well, mainly Stiles talked and Derek listened but Derek had said a couple things here and there.

A couple days after Stiles was admitted to the hospital, he asked Derek why he was always around and seemed softer lately.  Derek replied with a story about Cora.  The small tale was not something Stiles expected to hear about the younger sister.  About how she was only 13 when she tried to drown herself in their bathtub and how Derek found her after he could feel her pain from his bedroom down the hall.  About how when he saw Stiles, he felt like he was 17 again and thought it was happening all over again in a different scenario but this time it was too late.  The whole thing made Stiles feel like shit for putting Derek through that again but he promised Stiles that he’d be there for him for now on because he just can’t do it one more time.  Somehow, Stiles didn’t feel any healthier in his mind from the promise.

He but all thoughts out of his head and counted the minutes until 8 AM when visiting hours began.  Stiles figured Derek was already waiting to come in for at least 5 minutes now because he always came early.  As soon as 8 AM hit, Derek was there and they exchanged good mornings and what they did since they last saw each other the night before at 8 PM which wasn’t much at all.  Stiles couldn’t do much besides watch some late night television and Derek usually just slept and worked out but they managed to keep a steady conversation on the past 12 hours anyway.  It was good for them both.

“Peter asked about you… wanted me to tell you that if you need anything, just give him a call.”

“Wow.  Did you turn him soft too?”  Stiles obviously meant this in a joking matter since he cracked a smile afterwards but Derek’s face saddened.

“No, he just- he remembers listening to Cora’s sobbing every night, how depressed she always smelled, how she always said she was fine even though she wasn’t and how she wouldn’t let anyone help her… I guess he doesn’t want anyone to go through that either.  Peter isn’t that bad of a guy, his thinking just tends to be a little screwed up I think.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to--”

“It’s fine but seriously if you need something or whatever, he’d like to help in anyway.”

“Tell him I said thanks then.”  Derek smiled because Stiles actually seemed like he understood.

~

Scott and Malia made it to the hospital around 8:45 AM after Scott convinced Malia that on weekends there was no reason to wake up that early.  Their arguing was like an old married couple who both had compelling arguments but ultimately knew which of them would win.

“Okay, you just wait here.  I want to go in and say a few things first, okay?” Malia nodded and Scott made his way into the room.

“Hey, bro.”

“Scott!  Wow!  What time is it?  Like 9 right?  I can’t believe you’re up and to see me,” Stiles dramatically hit his chest, “I feel honored.  Seriously.”  Derek managed a small chuckle while Scott laughed at his best friend’s antics.

“You should, I was forced out of bed!  Y’know in all this mess I was bound to mess up… I forgot to tell someone you were in here.  So, uh, lemme grab ‘er.”  Scott dashed out and in but this time he had Malia with him.

“Awe, man!  I just thought you didn’t like hospitals or something.  Come here.”  Stiles motioned for Malia to come closer and she jogged over and hugged him tightly, “God, I missed you.”  They broke away and Malia kissed Stiles hungrily.

“I thought you left me.”

“Why would I do that?  I’d never leave you.”  Malia smiled brightly but Derek just looked confused and weirded out in general.  He got up and started to leave, “Derek, where are you going?”

“Oh, you- you’ve got guests so I was going to go home and eat or something.”

“Right.  Thanks for stopping by.”  Stiles’s smile made Derek slightly happier but he still ran out of there and drove home.

“So… I was hoping maybe you could help me with my homework?”  Malia smiled and bit her lip in the adorable way that makes everyone fall for her instantly.

“I’d love to.  How about later or tomorrow when I am back home?”

“Oh.  Yeah, that’s alright.”  Malia didn’t look exactly okay with it though.

“What?  Is that a problem?”

“No, well, I don’t know if I am comfortable seeing your dad again.”

“Wha--”

“Malia asked your dad where you were last night and he was _a little_ drunk…” Stiles stared down, “everything is fine, don’t worry.  They both were a bit angry with things and I had to pull Malia away.” Scott didn’t continue with details.

  
“It’s okay.  I’m sure he is feeling better now and we can forget about that.”  Malia tried to make Stiles feel a little better about the situation; he nodded.  They all talked for a while before Scott and Malia left at 9:30 AM.  No one came for the rest of the day until the sheriff picked up his son and took him home 5 hours later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi readers! I just wanted to let you all know that a while back I gave this fic to the author I added because they seem more capable of handling this fic. I am currently working on something new so stay tuned for that! Have a great 2015!


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